hes so bulgy hes like a moose. baby im gunna buttah yo bread.

so halloween is cool. except for those damned kids who took all the reeses peanut butter cups. we had 4 groups of trick or treaters and the last group was all like "you know im gun take all dem reeses." good thing i saved two in the freezer for my own personal eating timemingnessess. they totally did not even care about my cool geisha costume, which i put on FOR THEM MAN. who wants to be handed candy by some plain clothes boring ass fuck. whatever. i bet they will remember it when they are in JAIL.

they called me "Ma'am."

anyway the only thing that scares is me is the dark. but if every movie was as cool as the dark crystal i think i would want to live forever:

i have no idea why i posted that flintstones endorsement for winston and i think that is really funny. im betting that i put "cigarettes" into the search box on youtube while i was really drunk after that halloween party. why? because cigarettes are COOL.

i have been having some really weird vivid dreams. last night i had a dream that i was like four months preggers and it was really upsetting. my sister was like, "who's the dad?" and i was like, " i dont know! I'm gunna have to go on the maury show!" i could feel the baby moving around inside me. it was probably just gas.

a much needed paternity test:



and a few nights before that i had this dream:

I come home and go straight to my room to put down all of my crap. i look at the walls and they are all different colors with big splotches everywhere. theres one wih lavender blobs and a lavender one with green blobs. i notice my bed is gone and all of my clothes.

i go out to the living room and realize everything is being remodeled. the tile in the kitchen is so shiny it looks like candy. theres a fireplace in the livingroom and becky and deb are standing in front of it. i ask them whats up with all the changes and they tell me that our landlords have sold the house and that weve got to move out by the end of the week. i am very depressed by this and think, man you know what would cheer me up? the oasis! (its a reoccuring thing in my dreams the oasis. its in most of the homes i dream about. the entrance is always hidden in a closet and you have to climb up this tiny tunnel to get to it.)

i see noel on my way to the oasis and ask him if he has ever seen it. he hasnt so he comes along. we climb into the tunnel and out into the oasis which is a giant room with a swimming pool in the middle. there are bathtubs and jacuzzis EVERYWHERE and behind the pool is a fake jungle with birds flying around it. noel doesnt make it through the tunnel so i jump into the pool alone. i look into the trees and i spot an albino baboon but it disappears as soon as i catch a glimpse. i yell out to it and instead of the baboon a very tiny person with one arm comes out from the tropical trees. it looks like a dwarf but more like a child. it starts speaking to me in what i think is nonsense until i ask it, "parle vous frances?" it starts speaking to me in french sounding words and begins jumping up and down pointing wildly at the pool. i look over and see the albino baboon is now in the pool with a girl in a red bikini. the baboon grabs her by the hair and begins to drown her! there are baboon arms and bimbo arms flailing everywhere among the white splashes of water.

"hey! HAAAAAAAY!" i yell at the baboon and jump into the water. it looks at me like a cat thats just pissed in the corner and swims away dignified but also embarrassed. i think man, what a jerk!

dreams man:

this guy that was dressed like santa claus with a black mustache was trying to dance behind becky wit a big purple boner and i was not having it. happy halloween.

yesterday i was making my usual breakfast of one fried egg and one piece of toast and this happened:



im pretty sure it means im coming into a shit ton of good luck. or maybe it just means that my cholesterol is double what it should be.

why do i have a blog? oh yeah so i can post cat videos and shiiiiiiiiit:





these cats loved getting spanked! gross!

i google image searched j.g. wentworth because noel mentioned his crappy commercials and i didnt know who he was. this is what came up:





on tonights episode of i love new york she shared an intimate dinner with the dwarf on the show aptly named "midget mac." they were eating salad and she covered his with ranch dressing. she said she could really connect with a man who loves ranch as much as she does. it was like watching myself on tv, eating salad, with a midget.

today, i was depressed. but then i watched i love new york 2 and googled jg wentworth. today they gave me a reason to wake up tomorrow.

thank you man in gorilla suit with one thousand million bananas. you are a beacon of hope.

today it is raining like whaaat. if i had somewhere to be i would be bumming like a crusty poo haired bum.

yesterday :

when i get to class, there is a starbucks grande whatever on my desk. i dont think it belongs to anyone anymore since it seems cold. how can i tell? i dunno its just a feeling. it has a nasty clear straw with pink lipstick smudged all around the top so i dont feel like throwing it away and possibly contracting smudgey lipstick chick disease. i end up sitting to the right of my original seat.

then i think about the week before.

(the last thursday we were asked to take out all of our books so the prf could read some japanese court poetry while we followed along. "if you dont have them, pull up next to someone who does." the guy to my left had forgotten his so i let him follow along with me.

((then i thought about the week before.

the prf asked us to take out two books so that we could read along as he read aloud. much to my huge regret i had forgotten the damn things and brought something completely irrelevant to what we were doing. so i looked to my left and asked the black guy with tiny glasses who sits behind and always talks to the white girl with tiny glasses. they always talk about how much theyre not into the japanese program and it always makes me depressed. anyway the whole time i was thinking, man, he must be so irritated that he has to keep bending the spine and adjusting the postion of his book just because i was careless and brought the wrong fucking one. he was very polite about it but i was sure inside of himself he was very annoyed.))

he pulled up next to me to read along from MY books and i thought, in reference to the prior week, this isnt annoying me at all. in fact, if anyone is annoyed its tiny glasses guy for forgetting his books and having to rely on me bending the spine and shifting the position of the book so he can understand whats going on. i felt stupid for thinking he might have been annoyed having to have had to let me read along with him. im hoping he isnt thinking, this girl must be annoyed.

im trying to smile occasionally at him and trying to make him feel comfortable because i dont want him to experience the same discomfort as i had the week before. but what did i begin to do? i started thinking about my car and how there was only ten minutes left on my pay to park and ten minutes left of class leaving me zero time to have avoided a ticket. then the sighing started and the restless moving of my feet. i thought, shit colby knock it off but i soon forgot my own advice and the next thing i knew i was jetting out the door right on time leaving zero time for tiny glasses guy to have said, "hey thanks for letting me read along with you," just as i had said to him the week before. man, i thought. i feel like a bitch.)

so im sitting in my new seat presently recalling these events of weeks passed thinking, oh no. he is going to think im sitting here to avoid him reading along with me! i mean i know chances are that he has his books today and wont need me to read along, but he doesnt know that i might realize that.

now i am staring hard at the starbucks cup and really hating it. fuck it! fuck starbucks! why do people everywhere have to drink that shit and why cant they atleast clean up after themselves after they do so! wait, i realize, i could just throw it away in the trash right there. then i could move to that seat and tiny glasses guy would be none the wiser. i remember however that the dude that sits behind tiny glasses guy, who in my head has no face, was staring at me when i walked in . i made the terrible mistake of making eye contact with him. he might think i want to sit next to him and try to engage me in some kind of no faced conversation. thats ridiculous colby, i think. i decide not to risk it anyway.

people start filtering in around me and im noticing that NOONE is sitting in the starbucks seat. do they think that someone is already sitting there or do they not want to touch the smudgey lipstick thing either? hard to say, but either way they are definitely coming into the room, viewing the desk as an option, then passing it by after seeing the grande whatever. this makes me relax. tiny glasses guy will definitely conclude i didnt sit there because of that stupid fucking cup.

at the end of the class i made sure take my time getting my stuff together. he walked by me and i looked up and smiled the most genuine smile i could muster.

"have a good day," he said.

"you too," i kind of mumbled it but in a nice way. not too eager but not with too much enthusiasm. he left the room and i took another minute putting things in my bag so as not to bump into him on the stairs. it is always so awkward bumping into someone after a definite good bye. duh.

god damn stupid starbucks cup ruining my life.